Monday

 At 5 AM I was grateful, the light was peaking over, not quite sun rise. I said a prayer and went back to sleep.

At 6 AM I was aware of a blue sky and clouds, appreciation of opportunity, of a fresh new day. I said another prayer, went back to sleep.

At 6:30 AM  I considered that I might want to get up, since I kept waking in a positive mood. I turned over, and let my alarms do their thing.

At 6:45 I woke up from a dream in which I was engaged or married, I was amongst her family, there was some sort church component, something felt arranged, but it felt fulfilling. 

At 6:55 I woke up stil desirous of dreams and sleep. Not because I was tired, but because I wished to indulge. 

At 7 AM I woke up nervous, made a deal with myself. 

At 7:10 AM I was frustrated. 

At 7:30 AM I got out of bed, wondering why I'd let myself sleep in. I was already crabby. 

At 8 AM I was angry and defensive. I was trying to justify my actions, feeling like people were misjudging me. I was trying not to condemn myself. 

At 8:30 I was indulging in the hurt, in the belief that I'd been wronged.

by 9 am I was holding someone else's pain. 

This morning I was contemplating the consequences of my own actions.  Consequences such as isolation, loneliness, acting out. The repetition of a story in which I am the hero, or victim or villain. The repetition of the kind of story that happens in isolation -when there isn't communication or shared or negotiated understanding.

Trying to be good, to be impressive, has made me so dishonest. Protection of an image rather than what is real. How I have hurt myself and others sooo.

How ofte have I experienced things alone, my internal world, my world of dreams, of holding for others, of escaping and adventuring alone, of journaling... 

So separate, the place I am primarily is not in relationship    but

If I reached into the wound, the times in which I acted against others, and extracted that pain in the light   - would it change anything at all?

Or would I spent the next half a century trying to prove myself good again.

I wonder at what trying to be good has cost me? Is my anxiety just a symptom of trying to control the narrative? I can't be the best, I don't know how to show up honest, so I just avoid... or withdraw... so I don't have immediate consequences?   I responded to my step sister, I don't know how to be a good uncle... and could add, a good brother, a good son, a good lover, a good therapist, a good man. I don't know how. I try... or at least I think I am trying... it is not enough. I am judged sometimes for my actions, and sometimes for my inactions.  I have only the models I have seen, and read about, and I have struggled with them... sometimes because they don't align to my lived experience... other times because they insist nothing is  good.... and I want it to be good. And others want me to be good. But I can't be good. I can only be mixed, unclear, hypocrite wanting things to be better, but not knowing how to make them better.  

How can I love myself and others simultaneously?  How can I act with love, when I don't feel loved. 

My sister reaches out to say I am an idiot and throwing a temper tantrum, but she did not reach out to say "hey, it must be so hard... if you're not showing up, that must mean its really hard... how can I help?"

She tried once. Twice was too much. 

The consequences of my actions... are that I could so easily disappear and it would affect so few people. My current clients, sure. But that's just a role. My family... yes and now. A couple of friends. 

My friend reaches out to me from New York and says 'whats your address, I need to send you my keys." 

The keys and trust of someone's life... and I tell this story that I am all alone... its so mismatched. But the truth is also that I will be in New York with her cat, but basically alone for a week, filling my days with the things that make me come alive... and then going to bed without anyone but G-d and a blog to tell. 

Sunday alone

I woke up fairly early. Missed E. Something about a weekend spent alone, going through my routines alone, preparing for the week alone. By 10 when church came on YouTube, I was ready to leave. Went to get groceries. The air quality is unhealthy again. It smelled like chemicals in the garage. It spelled like campfire at cub. Buying groceries for myself and it’s still over 100$.

I got home cut up a watermelon, a cucumber, a green pepper, a chicken.  Ate lunch and decided to go see a movie. Surrounded by people but feeling very alone. 

I liked the movie. Nolan’s version of the odyssey. It was entertaining throughout, but the thing I loved the most was the tie in to moral injury/ptsd - told through the god’s punishments, and the impending doom… whether it was of this world or otherworldly, it spoke of consequences for your actions external or internal. 

I cried. 

I left. I ate watermelon and did laundry. It’s about 6pm. 

I’ll make dinner. Maybe read. I’ll wake up to another week of this. Maybe seem hamlet on Wednesday. Maybe go to an open mic. Maybe see family. 

This morning, I wondered why I am doing any of this… what allegiance do I owe to this place and these routines, that sustain me but feel so lonely. Why not travel the world? Why not be more adventurous. And of course when I do those things I am also alone… but maybe seeing more than the same old places, the same people, the same tasks and thoughts… 

I dunno. I always leave in search of something new, to run from something old. I am very odyssean I guess. Maybe that’s why the movie felt real. Trying to be moral, but failing, trying to be a leader and take responsibility for others choices, trying to defy the gods, trying to find a home that you want to deserve, but aren’t sure you do. So you stay away with your lotus petals… wait for some rescue. 

Saturday

 

My step sister called me out this morning. Mostly for not showing up. But also for not figuring things out… I corrected the story a bit, but agreed that I wasn’t doing a good job of showing up. I asked her to help with the brainstorming. How can I engage without it feeling like it hurts me, or causes additional burden for them.

I’d been wondering… am I just being self-righteous. Is it just a different version of the self righteousness that my rents have?  Not any different? But the more I’ve been thinking about it, no. I am not fighting for my comfort, or my ideals… I am fighting against things that are actually causing harm. And maybe they personally aren’t the ones causing the harm, but their attitude of neutrality, of “Hey I didn’t hold the gun against the back of their head” (I just didn’t say anything, and funded it… and maybe voted for it too). Their attitude of “its their own fault.” Their attitude of “both sides are in the wrong…” when again, were talking about a gross imbalance of power… We are talking about families being ripped apart, people in concentration camps, torture, violence, killing, intentional terror campaigns. Intentional retribution. You don’t need to be on the front lines to condemn the cruelty. Its easy enough to just not say “well… you shouldn’t cause disruption when you fight back against cruelty…” As in, its ok to fight back as long as your mouth is taped shut, your hands are tied behind your back, and you’re on your knees already. Sure… sure… neutral on a moving train. When they are actively harming my community, you can’t say you’re neutral. That’s as good as saying “I support you to your face, but I’ll never have your back.” Cool… well we know where we stand then.

When you watch a force attempt to dismantle the society you’ve helped build (undermining my country, my state, my city, my business, my community, my students and clients…), and the family you love -literally friends and family who are being hurt by this… and the future potential and opportunities of your own grandchildren… and none of that causes you to want to stand up.  All respect, all trust gone. When you double down, say you’re the victim despite the active harm being perpetrated on others… na… that’s just gross.

My sister called it a temper tantrum, pointed out there was no end game in this boundary setting. I said I tried to explain… they didn’t want to change. I am not gonna make myself miserable for people who don’t want to care. I am not gonna cry all week, while they pretend nothing has changed. Boundaries for myself… because I am not willing to be hurt when it doesn’t benefit me to stay in relationship. For now, I will have to love them from afar. I’ve been clear with my Dad. Maybe I need to be clear with the rest of the family… but I have also been trying to protect them from this. Tried to keep it between me and the rents… but maybe it isn’t. Automatically. I mean, I am mad that they would support people who are destroying the environment and the country. What world are you preparing for your grandkids? But even if you cant… why condemn those who are fighting back?

 

Wrestling

 

Each time there is a family get together with my Dad's side of the family I am suddenly thrust into another round of wrestling internally. 

Its my nephews birthday tomorrow. 

What do I want to do?

Part of me wants to attend, to invest in family, to let the littles know I am around, to keep the peace. 

Part of me wants to avoid it entirely. 

Part of me wants to reach out to my step sis and say what gift can I buy, I can either stop by for 15 minutes or just send it. 

If I lived in a different city, or was on vacation, it wouldn't be a big deal. If I had something else going on, I could make excuses... but I live in St. Paul, and I have no life. 

Earlier this week, I was preparing myself to go. I thought: this will be the time that I show up, I am courteous, and then I leave. Do my part, while also acknowledging I am still unhappy.

Then on Monday another man was shot and killed by ICE, and I thought... fuck these people and anyone who doesn't condemn them fully. 

Throughout the week I have been varying between these positions. Do I stay or do I go kna mean...

I was hoping the "energy healer experience I was supposed to have today would settle it for me..." Help me to feel confident enough, grounded enough in my own experience and story to attend without fanfare. I was practicing it in my head this morning. This desire to say "I've been wronged, but I want to move past that." The appointment was supposed to be after work... I needed my car.

I went out to my car this morning and had the flattest tired I have ever had. Considered canceling on clients to attend to it, but every cancelation is the money I'd spend on tires... so -I walked quickly to work in the 80 degree heat of July... and made it a minute late for my first appointment. And cancelled my energy healing intake because there is no way to make it to the border of wisconsin without 4 tires. 

During the day of clients, I found myself considering and reconsidering tomorrow. I am nearly always doing this. But on one hand, I found myself wondering why I was avoiding? What would be so bad? a little discomfort, a little anxiety, no big deal. On the other hand, wondering how do I maintain boundaries for myself if I let other people violate them without even attempting repair. What does it say that they aren't reaching out?

With one client, I considered all the ways we hold ourselves back... talk ourselves into self harm, even feel righteous about it. With the next, how many missed opportunities, miscommunication without attempting to reconnect. With the next, the difficulty of being let down by parents who don't have the capacity to change. The push pull of wanting to be there for them, but wishing they had been able to be there for you...

Which story do I go with?

I found myself wondering if I need to start imagining my dad differently. Maybe imagining him more like my little brother, or E. As people who I adore, but who don't have the ability to work through certain challenges... almost like a disability. Maybe I need to see him that way. He could work through it, but not with his current level of resources and overwhelm. The very idea of thinking or feeling or acting differently is just too far outside of his scope or ability right now. Maybe he can intellectually get it, but he can't fully empathize or he would burn himself out. And so out of fear... out of self protection... he must choose this. 

I found myself thinking earlier in the week, what if my Dad is right? What if its just one thing and he can't be pushed and pulled and give up his center, to please others. Maybe he has a longer term understanding of history... maybe he believes in an arc in which injustice happens, but it gets corrected you just have to wait -almost zen or tao. 

I found myself wondering if I accept their version of reality, will it destroy my foundation? And do I need to take a stand for my version, my story. Maybe are competing narratives just can't coexist, and be definition mine will eventually take over, but in the meantime that Boomer generation can't give up their hold. Maybe he needs to be around with this particular story - so as to take care of his grandkids, or stay active... But I equally need to hold on to my narrative. In the end, I am right, he is wrong, and he will suffer the consequences of being wrong... diminished opportunities, kids that aren't as close as he'd hoped, reduced finances, isolation, indignity. He'll be subjected to the things I am fighting against... as natural consequences...

I came home after work... ran around trying to get AAA to do my car. AAA which he gifts me. I feel indebted to the gifts. Obligated by transaction. Doesn't feel good. 

I questioned my relationship with these folks... my step sister, in what way does she add to my life?  In what way is she invested in me?   My step mom?   My dad even?  

I don't know. I have a way I want to be in the world, and a way in which I can avoid... but I don't know how to hold strong while also engaging. It feels inauthentic, even more so than playing a role. SO I am still wrestling. 

Maybe my blown tire will give me an excuse. 

Maybe the lack of energy healing forces me to choose for myself rather than having someone else to point to. 

Maybe I am waiting for them to reach out in a way that isn't just guilting, but rather in a way of saying... I miss you and I've been thinking about what you said... and I am capable of change. 

Smoke signals danger signals hiding

 I remember when I was in Guatemala City being choked by the smog, the particulates in the air from the volcano... and feeling drained, unmotivated, brainfoggy. Last night I kind of felt that way as the smoke from the wildfires moved in. Felt like I was stuck on distraction, couldn't think clearly or be creative. 

This morning, I woke up to a similar funk. I slept just fine, but had already decided to work from home today... and its been a very slow drag of a morning. I woke up with sinus pressure and a headache. I woke up without an ounce of go-getter. I woke up thinking of the dream I'd had, in which I was realizing it was my last full day at work. My calendar for tomorrow was empty -except to clear out my office. And though I was sad, I also felt ready to move on. Excited even to start whatever was my next chapter. 

As the morning has developed... I've had three cups of coffee and an excedrin but my head still doesn't feel right. Starting to feel more energy maybe... but also kind of dire. I am thinking of my failures, of my freezes, of my not knowing how to move forward. I am thinking of the open mic tonight and how I am not sure I even want to go, because the air quality says "hazardous (AQI of 405)."  I sometimes feel weighed down by over 60.  I am thinking about Saturday which is my nephews birthday and how I don't want to deal with the relationship tensions with my parents. I am thinking about going to the energy healer tomorrow, and how the drive over there might deplete me more than the positives of being attended to. 

I am the type of mammal that hides deeper in the ground to conserve energy in the winter. That hides from the fire in a cave. That hoards and hibernates. And also the kind that wants to make changes in the world... and today I am definitely in the tails camp and not the heads...

Its pretty fascinating how this biological lack leads to difficult thoughts of worthiness, of existential crisis, of dread but also just letting go...  like whats the point?

But at the same time, I could answer that question with "Why not care or engage then..."   

conservation of energy...

My head hurts.  I am not sure if my first client will show up. I basically have like 5 appointments in a row, but the middle one I get to eat lunch, and I can kind of imagine others cancelling -because they may feel like they are in the same spot as me today. 

Its harsh. 

An hour or so later: 

After working for 30 minutes... life seems easier again. I wonder why I am holding myself back from opportunities.  Why avoid, why hide... 

Its so odd.

Summer

We might be at that point in summer where it becomes kind of unbearable. No more afternoon strolls, enjoying the flowers, and the late light in evenings. 

The wild fires are making things orange.

The heat is so intense you can't stay outside long.

The smell of campfire, the sneezing, the irritated eyes, throat, skin.

And me wondering how I'll meet someone when I can't stand to be around anyone. 

And me heading home to get air conditioning.

And me dressed in a long sleeve.

And me with a mask.

And me feeling lonely when I don't have opportunities to connect.

I got away from work early to go do some writing, but the place I chose had too much traffic to concentrate, and too many weather changes were giving me a headache, and I drove home feeling like I'd missed out on all opportunities for the day and might as well crawl into bed. 

Its 7:20 pm. I could be writing... I made dinner and did the dishes. I could be reading.

But I am lonely, and fiening. 

Tomorrow I am hoping to go to the open mic, but I might also feel like I can't stand the air quality and run home. I was planning on going to protests over the weekend, but if I can't breathe... no. 

They say the fires could burn till snowfall. 

I got to sneak another post in from yesterday…

It was a good weekend… my friend rescheduled today. I got all the things done but don’t feel creative so I’m not writing. Maybe start a new book.

Had some grief, some loneliness, ate too much. 

Don’t even know what to do with myself. I had a weird spread of tarot cards this morning that I couldn’t make sense of, seemed to go suggest waves… I guess that’s accurate, but not dramatic… just a moment here and a moment there. Like everything is moving forward, and everything is stuck.  That’s how it’s been. 

It’s still

Bright out and like 90+ degrees. I’m in bed. I’m gonna read and probably fall asleep and wake up in the middle of the night and not be able to get back to sleep. 

Five Watts 7/11/26 2:20ish pm

I just finished the second book inspired by Adler “The Courage to be Happy.”

This one is also written in a sort of socratic dialogue, which made it annoying. I used to be really into that stuff, but when it is written out -it always takes on the form of one idiot -easily manipulated and one wise teacher, and that just isn’t real. Or the idiot doesn’t seem to be an appropriated stand in for me as a reader. Consistently I found myself thinking that the character was making really stupid arguments and “won over” when the argument had not been convincing. Not a lot of specific situations discussed etc. 

That being said, the underlying philosophy was not entirely inconsistent with my beliefs. And also I felt myself challenged at times, which is good. But I am glad the book is over… even while I am already preparing to find another Adler inspired book that I am sure I have either read before or considered buying (The Art of Loving -Erich Fromm).

The most challenging part might be something that I’ve been wrestling with quite a bit lately. Premise: You’ll never grow up unless you love someone. Argument: loving is something you choose to do, not something you fall into.

-I’ll add some quotes from the books quick, but generally these things have been on my mind again as I wrestle with insecurity, anxiety and tension with my family.

P. 216

Philosopher: “self-reliance is not an economic issue or a work issue. It is an attitude towards life, an issue of lifestyle … At some point, the time will come when you resolve to love someone. That will be when you achieve separation from your childhood lifestyle and achieve true self-reliance. Because it is through loving others that we at last become adults.

Youth: “We become adults by loving?”

Philosopher: “Yes. Love is self-reliance. It is to become an adult. That is why love is difficult.”

So this is something I’ve been struggling with throughout my life. Generally I feel like I’ve become pretty self reliant in terms of finances, work to some extent, life style, meeting my material and logistical goals.  When I asked my father for help with moving last year I felt really hurt when he wasn’t able to show up at the time we’d discussed. A few weeks later he was able to, but it had felt like an instant in which I needed to depend on him and he hadn’t shown up.  But more so. I had been developing a friendship with my father in which I felt I could trust and work through difficult things.  I had ended up talking to both my parents about my love for E, all my attempts to make it work, and all my attempts to let go… because it wasn’t sustainable.  My parents loved me, and assured me they loved E and so it was comforting to have their support. And as the break up occurred… I suppose I also relied on that support more -since I didn’t have my partner of several years to confide in.

My parents have confided in me my whole life, so it felt like we were equals… but I realize with all the hurt/tension between my Dad and I now, that I was reentering this childhood thing -or maybe had never truly found the exit. 

P233

Philosopher: “You are standing now at the edge of the dance floor of life and just watching the dancing people. You are assuming that ‘there couldn’t be anyone who would dance with someone like me,’ while in your heart you are waiting impatiently for your destined one to reach their hand out to you. You are doing everything you can to endure and to protect yourself, so that you do not feel any more miserable than you do already and so that you do not begin to dislike yourself.

There is one thing that you should do. Take the hand of the person beside you, and try to do the best dance that you can possibly do in that moment. Your destiny will start from there.”

I resonate so strongly with this internally. Throughout all of my relationships from family to friends to coworkers to partners… I hold back. Sometimes it literally is the fairytale thing, some dream that happened 15 years ago and that I hold on to. Other times that weird feeling of chemistry. Attraction. Feeling needed. Or -As the authors suggest in another section, “you’re waiting for some kind of collateral.”

I think the thing that was so hard with E, is that I’d come to that conclusion beforehand, and tried to convey it to her. Tried to say I wanted a relationship in which both people were entering clear eyed, not putting one another on pedestal, entering into an agreement to support and rely on one another. To embrace the challenges together. That I was taking her hand, and that it felt risky, and that there were things she could do to show me that she was taking my hand… and she didn’t do them.  She showed me other ways… took my hand in other ways that changed me, inspired me, etc. But ultimately, I still felt insecure and over time felt taken advantage of. Not that she didn’t love me, but that she couldn’t trust me and I couldn’t trust her.

SO I  find myself back in that place of being a child. Of looking for what is destined* instead of who is next to me. I don’t find a whole lot of folks next to me, is part of it. But also, I keep wanting greater collateral than I’d had, because each time I invest I find myself shaken… have to start over, and so I desire more of a commitment.  

It also comes with this whole recognition and really stepping into the idea of being codependent/caretaker… like, I can’t keep stepping into the same role and expecting different results. I need a partner who shows up consistently, who problem solves with me, rather than waiting for me to figure things out. Who takes on their own difficulties and challenges, rather than making them mine to deal with. And I need to do that too… part of me doing that is saying I need to take responsibility for who I choose to love, because I chose all of these people (who I still love and adore), but who weren’t able to show up in our relationship in the way either of us needed.

The other night I was thinking about J and whether I’d made a mistake by ending our relationship while traveling. We’d had a great three months while traveling… but we were both in the middle of big transitions in our lives, and I had no idea whether our actual lives were compatible at all. It was the equivalent of 90 day fiancé but only during the honeymoon. That didn’t feel like enough to go on.  She went to gradschool after, so did I.

Lately I think about how easy it must have been for M to make the decision that I wasn’t enough. I was exiting grad school, fresh in a new career. Didn’t have my own place. Didn’t have many friends. Was perpetually insecure… and didn’t trust her or myself really.

Ewww.

In the book the philosopher says of the youth’s past relationships:

“But you hope was not to be happy, was it? It was simply the desire for things to be easier.” (p 235).   Is that my desire?  

Life was not easy with E or M… but it was so much easier than doing things on my own for the most part. Easy to play a role. Easy to think about someone else instead of my own feelings and set boundaries. Easy to make excuses as long as I had companionship. Easy to get stuck and not take the steps forward I needed to… because I could use their indecision or lack of communication as an excuse to not make my own choices.  With J, I made a choice to pursue my life… and it was probably the right one… even though I fell more in love after we broke up -both of us trying to make a life in the world again.

I still have no desire to move to Australia… and as far as I know she is happy with her dude.

But I guess what I am saying… is that I think Adler is right on this one. I think the reason I’ve been feeling so incredibly insecure, and struggling so much with the tension with my Dad, is that I am feeling like a child again, when I thought I was moving towards adulthood. I think I’ve fallen back into beliefs about things being fated, because I am afraid of making something happen or changing my routines.  I think that is why I am trying to step into discomfort and go out more, to give myself opportunities minimally each week -just to have the choice.   I notice that on the nights I am home alone… and have decided I am staying in. It’s like… oh you’ve given up on the possibility of making a new choice tonight. The Devil card in tarot… which is Capricorn energy…

But I think it will require more of me to step into adulthood.

 

Life:

I realized today that I fucked up with my taxes (again). I should have paid them last month, but I thought three months from April was July not June… I felt really stupid. But anyway. I paid a bunch of cash today. Likely everything will turn out ok. I think I am making enough money to keep the bills paid even if there are penalties or late fees. 

Yesterday I talked to insurance and got all of Jan -April squared up for 4 clients. That should be like 5k. One more to do but its Medicaid and they said to check online.

Reconfirmed with JS today that NYC is happening. I am starting to get excited and look stuff up. Maybe a couple days in Brooklyn and Queens, a day in the Bronx, a few days in Manhattan. I was trying to figure out if I should take a quick jaunt to New Jersey or way out on Long Island. Probably not necessary. I decided a future trip could be DC and Baltmore, or Philadelphia and something…. Maybe I’ll do the east coast a week at a time all  by my lonesome.

In the fall I am doing a training my therapist recommended. I am looking forward to it. She asked me if I wanted to join a group she is starting for men (focused on adult children). At first I was interested and as she started sharing more, I realized I wasn’t. I was kind of turned off by the session on the whole. It seemed like she was really excited about her new project, but wasn’t all that invested in my life -and neither was I… so kind of hard to keep the energy or focus. As it became more about her… I wondered why I was paying 180$ for this and why I would want to pay more in the future for a group in which I’d probably end up feeling like I need to jump into my role. Maybe they all would too… but meh.

The networking thing the other day kind of felt like that too. I know I was not in anyway like the specialist or expert… but I felt more knowledgeable and somewhat responsible for keeping up dialogue. Felt a little like performing rather than chilling. Felt like I had to be charming so as not to be awkward. The lady who presented seemed really interesting. V was there, and I was reminded that she does ExRP for OCD… and that she has dogs and is invested in them. Its funny… she seems charming too, but she doesn’t need to perform. The hosts of the event did the bare minimum after setting up. They passed out stuff for the quiz, they gave us a tour, but they didn’t necessarily facilitate… they let us be adults I guess.

I am so used to being a facilitator, jumping into the role. Its not that I dislike it… I like it, its just not fully truthful. I am uncomfortable so I jump to fill in the gaps.

The nice thing is that my reaching out to the consult got people checking in again. We might end up having some get togethers -seems like everyone wants it… SO even if the networking event was kind of a bust, a chance to connect with others for the future. Having a consult group 1-2 a month would probably help a lot.

Yesterday after feeling reasonably productive… I went for a walk in the 85 degree heat and felt like I was gonna pass out. Got some Cains, with the idea that I was gonna go to a 9pm movie, and then fell asleep at 7:45 -woke up a couple times to turn over, but didn’t really wake up till 11pmish. I was feeling like I missed out. Still kind of do.

Tonight R and I are going to a 1 hour performance by a poet I saw at the open mic a few weeks ago. I felt like it was something to do. Its about their coming to terms with their gender -for the most part. We will grab some dinner beforehand.

Part of me is a little disappointed I won’t make it to the movie this weekend. (Its at riverview at 9pm -so unless I am feeling daring… probably wont make it at all).

Tomorrow another friend for dinner?

Not sure… I should probably try a new church. -all the leaders I like left mine.

Other than that… most of my tasks for the weekend will be complete. Got an oil change. Paid taxes… maybe a little prep for next week.

I want to do some creative writing (which I might be procrastinating right now). But also wanted to finish reading this book… so maybe I’ll write a chapter today or tomorrow.

I am kind of hoping this performance tonight is inspiring.

Tarot keeps saying big changes are coming. Maybe it reinforces the magical thinking -divine timing – destined love… but I think the readers always say, it starts with a change you make.

What changes am I willing to make? How am I stepping into life?  DO I have the courage to be happy?

 

 

Potato (?)

 Sometimes you just sit with the nuisance,

The alarm in the background that

Becomes the white noise of the day to day

Clanging? No, just the underlying vibration

That keeps a tension headache on the horizon,

That keeps a stomach from settling.

Who would give you their full attention?

Knowing it will never be enough,

To soothe the dull ache, the inflamed limb - which

As long as you don’t jostle it,

Is more bearable than flailing in an unknown direction for possibility 

Stay still, motionless, convenient

You’ve already spent too much

Goodwill, or energy

Conserve, retreat, isolate. 

Intention

One time you told me 

You lied to everyone 

Even your therapist

And I questioned their capabilities

Rather than noticing 

You were motionless, 

And staring. 

Killers amongst us (2/20/26)

 

I’m standing in front of a

bouquet of flowers, 

                        and a display case

      of sandwiches, croissants, 

                        scotcheroos, 

 

I’m standing somewhat

            impatiently

                        w/ memories

            of past experiences, 

                        I’d rather not 

                               recall,

Reading the names of the

            teas           as

               the elderly lady tries

                   her stack of cards.

 

American Express…   tap it   -Declined

            try to slide it…

            Declined.

            try to stick in in the card reader…

            Declined.

She returns the card to the bottom of the stack.  (I notice her VA –ID amongst the others)

 

Citibank   -Declined.

            try to slide it…

            Declined.

            try the card reader…

            Declined.

Another to the back of the stack.       (her elderly friend comes over)

 

Visa     -Declined.

            try to slide it…

            Declined. 

            try the card reader…

            Declined.         

Another to the back of the stack.         

 

I watch the barista continue to make their coffee, 

-wave him a few $20s

 After all, I came to the 

            neighborhood  because of increased ICE reports, 

            clearly I want to be the 

            hero.

I tell her not to worry –and hand him my cash

            

She doesn’t understand and 

            pulls out her check book.

 

The barista says

                        he paid for you.

 She and her friend thank me, 

            but one more graciously, 

            she turns and plants 

                        herself   -  square

"You paid for the coffee of a flying killer

                        you should know that."

 

            oh? *I ask awkwardly

 

“When I trained pilots

            at the air academy, 

            that’s what we’d tell people… "  

 

(I’m intimidated by an octogenarian)  ...her friend thanks me again, pulling her arm, 

 

she stays square off. 

-letting me know 

            no man had ever saved her, 

            she is her own hero, 

            her own killer if need be, 

 

“Mostly I just kill flies and mosquitos though…”

 

...I thank her for her service. 

"...when I speak my knees bowed" (fall 2025?)

 

…when I speak with such great authority

when I speak my thoughts already three

       sentences ahead

when I speak mimicking the creator  

       when I speak the anxious babbler

when I speak tongue tied and twisted

       when I speak blessing and curses

              when I speak, the teacher, the nurturer

when I speak amalgamated sources 

              when I speak the child, the elder

when I speak mumbles and laughter

       when I speak, the silence, the holder

              when I speak vocal fry and valley girl

when I speak calmly and half smiled-soothing 

       when I speak validation or judgment

when I speak the sound of my Mother

       when I speak the gifts, of loved ones

when I speak a slip of the accent, a foreign lingua

             when I speak a muse come through me

when I speak, a plea and a prayer.

* the title is a song lyric from Jeremy Enigk from "Shade and the Black Hat" - "can they hear me (?) when I speak, my knees bowed."  He also says the line "can they hear me, when I speak my tongue's tied." Which is why I darkened that line.

*how to help, when to help

My mind is blank, 
yet underneath I
know there are caverns
full of words, adjoining
rooms, hallways of doors, 
some just closets, others
ballrooms, lounges, 
meditative spaces.

I pass judgment
and analyze,
I listen to my guts tumbling, 
my shoulders rolling
into their vice grip
position.

 

We take sides, draw lines, 

dig trenches, divide

and conquer.

All the while

I’m just trying to

say is this a 

true fit

            or a moment

            of despair

and if it’s the latter don’t call it sacred. 

*found this in my hand writing on a scrap of paper and I don't know when it is from...

Phoenix (Feb 2026 work in progress?)

What will you rise for?

What calls you from sheets, 

and the fantastic unreality,

calls you back into connection

with singed wings, flaunting 

and bright as the sun,

tail feathers, a smile on your beak

a home in your heart, not yet created...

 

Will it be a grail

of your own design,

or a passion

pressed upon you

by a world in need of guidance,

of purification, 

of…