Eulogy for Uncle Chris (oct 2008)

Uncle,
At the news of death
women ought to be screaming and crying, rubbing your body for the traces of warmth that slip away... who cares about colors and funeral arrangements... who cares at all? The hero has moved on… Men, tightly holding themselves back, only to embrace in the strongest hugs that whisper "Please don't let go right now! My strength is gone, I have no will and no pride left..."
Words unsaid, the gleam off an eye, the strain of the voice, the voiceless. The senselessness.

As the arrangements are made
Even the timid should want the best. The gold and silver, the flowers and prayers. He shall be wrapped in silks and laid out on a hand carved wooden bed. The flame or dirt will take him as we sing of his glory. Sing how things won't ever be the same again, the clouds seem darker, the trees so rigid, the mountains so much more intimidating.

At the mourning
the dark should infiltrate the eyes and skin of those you leave behind, their sadness so deep and intense that no cheek is un-wet, their hair shed, their heart burst, they should fall all over themselves with despair.

At the celebration
they should speak in weeps loud and unfiltered of your beauty, with smiles that tremble, the emotions so thick with the warmth you have shed that the room of gathered still feel wrapped in your presence, the sheltered, the secured. They beam and sparkle having known you, having experienced your wild, your steadfastness, your strength, your strength, your strength that is now lost to them.
And the many who were touched should tell stories till the morning,
dance and drink like their movement alone, was the radiance of the moon.
They should leave still feeling the loss though with renewed -
with a spirit like yours, heartily joking, greeting the dawn with hope for the better.
Oh uncle,
where is your grand funeral march?

Might As Well Have Been A Dream He Thought (Sept 2008)

I don't even need the answers to the questions I pose
I find them in the prose you wrote in my dreams.

Each message not so clear and concise
but I dream through the night,

and then I think all day
to decode what you have said.

Is it any wonder I wake up depressed,
but in hearing from you, prefer my bed?

My day (RYW creative writing topic) unfinished sept 2008

When I wake up in the morning I am rarely thinking about the adventure and excitement of school, usually it’s more like “oh my god what is that damnable racket” even though it’s just some radio buzz or the beeping of an alarm. I hear demons screeching. Maybe the terrible noise is because just seconds before I was enjoying paradise, a good conversation, an adventure, a life that is not my own but feels so natural. Regardless, I soon come to my senses and wake to check e mails. The cat is impatient for food but I am rarely in line with her wanting. A shower seems to be the most important point on the agenda followed by teeth brushing and a scramble out the door with a handful of books and a mouth full of gum. My room is left in shambles for my return home. My car looks equally distraught with a dozen empty plastic bottles and trash on the floor. I zoom off in search of sustenance though I am not often hungry. Breuggers, Maccies the gas station, provide what my kitchen can’t , something relatively tasty. I am often the first person on the scene at school, so I blast punk, hip hop or bluegrass and rock out in my car. Bypassers must assume madness. Check in’s and greetings, copying packets and readings, cartoons and quotes to tantalize or more often bore the pants off young scholars. I overdo my enthusiasm because most bring none. I clown because school is fun and funny if you allow it to be. Classes are a dance, but a dance with improvised steps, so if your beat or rhythm is off you and the students are left wanting. I am a huge critic but I don’t know what they see and my forgiving nature makes them angels and mistakes and miscalculations my own fault.

"last school year" (RYW creative writing topic) sept 2008

A sudden jump into the professional
I confess
school last year meant hands up
a crowd of students wanting.
Not necessarily knowledge
but something satisfying
entertainment
(am I a comedian?)
reassurance
(a counselor?)
a connection
a conduit
through eyes I see a hundred voices ready to project but without verse
so they shout and curse
cuz the system feels corrupt
and they aint go the power yet,
yet I got ears that listen well,
yet I got hands that can give tools,
yet I got experience that defies years
I got the will to bring people together

"the teacher stands in front of the class with a lesson plan he can't recall"

but he knows not everything learned in youth is presented between school walls
-so he starts a conversation...

avocado/sports (RYW creative writing topic) sept 2008

Sports/Avocados
No one had ever seen anything so ridiculous. The enormous football players armored with shoulder and chest pads. Having trained for 14/15 weeks of summer, doing arm curls, leg curls, side curls, neck curls and that one guy with the long hair doing hair curls, sprints, killers, bow flex, arm wrestling, swimming, cross country, skiing (on feet) hell they were doing bench pressed with old ladies on a park bench- these guys were tough as tough could be and now –so angrily they were charging at each other with the fury, lines of them faced off on either side with a glare in their eyes, with teeth clenched, with muscles flexed, they charged like rams, like bulls, like furry goateed mountain goats, these bison, these elephants, braced to run right through each other. But they didn’t.
They met like the big bang that caused the universe, they met like wrecking balls against a mountain, they met with such explosive force that the avocados taped to their chests smashed together without remorse and when the ridiculous spectacle was done, the behemoths fell to the ground now covered in green delicious goo, and the crowd rushed to the field with bags of chips and each person took a scoop.

Avocado
A voc ado (doo)
I say to you
Stay silly and true
Don’t ask for the face lift.

A vo ca do (dough)
So rare to hear no
When adults are so
Petty and straight laced.

A voca do (dow)
So embraced by the now
That even footballers say wow
As they crush to make chip dip.

Avocados

California is where Avocados come from. But soon it will be desert again. Will the locals plant dates in the oasis and add spices? Will spiritual couch surfers add cayenne to apples grown in Canada? Will young writers question all the youth who have never tasted such fruit? Ambrosia, the food of the Gods will be green and rare and this time it won’t cause hallucinations.

"The Ultimate Showdown/Satan" (RYW creative writing topic) sept 2008

One could argue that Satan would be part of the Ultimate Showdown and perhaps his influence is felt, but I lay out for thee a hypothesis that the Ultimate Showdown would be between God and Itself.
Perhaps they be partners split into halves like some sort of cantaloupe, one gutted then trashed, and she gets no praise anymore, though all adore her. Forgotten is her name thus people call her partner lord. And if they had a son, whether his name was Jesus or not, did his father forsake him and leave him to rot? Did he spend time honoring his duties then suddenly forget the promises he had made to let us come to him?
There’s a battle in my mind between goodness and doubt and somewhere in-between lies humility and beyond that pride and control and I’d like to be absolved of all this commotion, but the argument is the same for Gods with devotion, -Am I honest with myself? Let you come to me, faithful and blessed, through me God’s caress. Or am I faithful to you, proud and true, let you fall and be taken,
Ripped, beaten,
Shred dignity , allow the path to
Be repeated,
You cry and crawl further
Bleed shiver,
Doubt overtaken,
Split back to the beginning still trashed like that half fruit,
Calling him back to you, submerged in humility,
I’d learn realistically that you been tapping
My shoulder
For all of history, trying to remind me that you have been here the whole time.
I’d turned and you’d waited,
Like a mother, watching me learning
A lover, quietly yearning to be,
To be embraced again.

Life Right Now (RYW journal) Sept 2008

Life?
Life is beuno though I,
Spend time tired and still
wanting, and I,
spend days preparing
and visiting, I
wish to connect and see
further with eyes that
can tell tired from bored
hurt from frustration
intentions from what happens
reflections that increase learning.
My love life, now that is the biggest source of disappointment
and that,
says a lot about the blessings.

Paths We've Taken (August 2008)

You spent the night at home sinking deeper into despair,
where soon the hospital would meet you.
While me and Collin strolled in the moonlit night
along the Vistula
I remember admiring the expanse, the far bank
seemed a harbor distant.
And we joked about dogs being carried away in those rushing waters
Never to be heard of
-and silently wondered about our own sad and solitary existence.

In this city (rebuilt to withstand another storming army).
Thousands had perished
And you thought you’d join them
But me and Mr. Sleeper
Sat discussing the definition of cheating and whether or not it included kissing (his own indiscretion)
Polish Girls, Catholic
and beautiful,
He ate baklava and surrendered to its sweetness.
While I tried to imagine a world in which Kissing, came so easily.

It was that night, I
Saw a street performer send forth flames like a dragon,
Admired the spectacle
of glowing faces in the crowd.
Around that time you were probably growing weaker, slowly fading
Puking the color from your skin strength from your bones,
the life from your breath,
-if only we’d known then the importance of fire breaths,
we might have sparked those flames for life.

Not what you think (august 2007)

Not what you think

Its not always the big things:

Impatience and frustration builds as my 8 year old son helps the waitress clean up the mess I spilled when the pain suddenly shot through the numbness –and I sit here helpless, while those seated at near by tables give sympathetic but not understanding looks in our direction.

And when I meet their eyes like a man, they turn away.

Its not always the obvious things:

Its not the lack of ramp that’s the trouble, it’s the sticky uneven floor. Its being confined to one floor of my own house when the master bedroom is upstairs. Its trying to dance at a wedding with my wife who sits there patiently eying the other husbands

-leaves me shaken, wondering why she stayed.

Its not the visible things:

Its hour after hour of rehabilitation never sure if it will amount to anything, trying to keep up hope that one day… waiting for insurance and VA checks to come through while I’m nervous about the house payment, oh hell –the kids fall school clothes. Spending an hour in the shower, only to slip on a steel rail, unable to help myself up again. Sometimes my prescriptions don’t show up on time, sometimes they don’t work anyway.

Its not always the easy sacrifice:

When you can’t stand during the ovation at your kid’s play, or show him how to slide in to home. –model, how patriots stand for the flag, or why he should believe in service to this nation. He sees the sacrifice he already gave, questions why, and fills with rage when he sees his daddy ain’t got legs.

*******I wrote this a long time ago, I'm pretty sure I posted it on the other blog... Here is a picture that goes with it.**********

A Walk to Remember (august 2008)

Remember that time through the rich man’s lands, the fresh grass of night, the birds squawking. We were so sure about that spirit of vengeance. That was ages ago but the moon glow on your face still looks the same. If I reminded you of our shared secrets… would you remind me your name?

ryw freewrite (July 2008)

Sometimes I write out the lyrics to songs, the lines of a poem so that can see their rhythmic structure. That underlying skeleton, and maybe when I read and listen at the same time… I can see what’s in the crawlspace what braces the embraces of the words and their meaning.

I wish I could do that with this heart song, pounding behind my chest plate, whispers in the alleyway of my decaying brain. These are rumors in the hallway,
but what exactly does that song say?

It speaks in poetics for a time about the sense of communion between two lovers turned best friends, shared thoughts unspoken, eased fears with meaningful glances, cut tension in the air with a hug or a handshake.

Sometimes the feelings go unmentioned because the heart aches, but mistakes don’t create earthquakes so fear was not in the driver’s seat, just steady percussive heart beats. Partnership, companions, composed to fill in the gaps when one of us didn’t feel complete, because the other would never abandon.

It’s not just about the words, but the melody and unlike some cheesy pop song that loses its meaning this song, sends me screaming out the choruses.
A hook that you hope repeats again and again.

But there is a B verse, No fuck that a Z verse. Its ride sounds chaotic, lyrics are fast and unintelligible, distorted yelling in curse words, no caring, hoarse voice and screaming and that part leaves you terrified, for lack of something better. Leaves me heartbroken and beaten. Makes me question if God is listening and if so HOW DARE HE….
treat us so.
This is the sound of Battle, No glory.
This is the sound of parents crying for their baby soldiers to come home,
long nights anxiously thinking.
This is the sound of momentary eviction.
This is the sound of not having life saving prescriptions.
This is the sound of one man, too scared to scream, too hurt to hug, too betrayed
to BE anything.
This is NOT the song’s end.

Dissonance gives way to breathing, like a heart monitor beeping, steady beats start repeating.
This is the bottom but wait for the buildup, here comes the rhythm that forces your feet up.
Tapping toes, tired but they know how it goes,
legs start shaking and that’s where the pros hit you hard with a new verse unsaid yet, like maybe the cold rain brought in a new day, like maybe the mushy ripeness is really the sweet part, maybe the rainbow is heightened by gray, and maybe the dry wind prepares you to sing, so maybe it’s time we do up that chorus again.



***********this is the second draft so I would say its possibly unfinished but knowing me I wont return to it*********

RYW writings (july 2008)

*******Several days a week I teach a 30 minute class called "Righting Your Writing" which is bad because I have terrible grammar, but its a wonderful time to connect with the students. Anyway... since I hate grammar exercises as much as the students do, what I am hoping to do is have them just practice writing a lot so that they start to improve on their own without someone picking a part every little sentence. (sort of like how in college your papers naturally improve even if u put less work into them). Anyway... sometimes I join the students in the writing exercises... here are some of them. I will probably update these occasionally under the title RYW*********

1) write about a boat or boat ride.

Boat Ride

The first thought to hit me is always the smell of the sea. Even when its light and breezy out, ocean water smells heavy. Weighted down with millions of tons of salt, and that gentle salt breeze assaults the senses. For someone like me, who grew up in the middle of the continent, the salted sea brings about a feeling of difference. Not good or bad, sometimes it makes me feel adventurous like an early immigrant to this land who waves goodbye to everything they know in search of something better(?)

Adventure. I’ve stood on the beaches of three oceans. Each place with different sand, but the same breaking waves the same smell of sea. Entering onto a boat is the same as playing on a plastic raft in the pool as a child. A game of balance, slight unease, but when you right yourself on something floating –and it doesn’t immediately throw you off or plummet to the ocean floor –THAT is ACCOMPLISHMENT. Ancient people must have felt the God’s blessings when they first stepped onto fishing boats. Must have sent thrills through them, and the courage to go forth and conquer the planet.

Boats always seem more dirty than I expect. Its slow rust decay and grime in the cracks, when panels of metal , plastic or wood meet.. (The salted sea has taken its toll on the science of man.) A reminder that, some storm may tear her frame, with little guilt or pride. Survivors will drift for days on the tides, each tickle at their toes sending shockwaves of dread through their bones for the terrible deep.

Ship people feel secure on boats. Feel in tune with the back and forth rocking like a cradle even when the teeter totter seems like it will break, they keep their balance. Minnesota boys know no such waves, so we stumble back and forth pushing off walls that seem to offer no security… back and forth stumbling and then when you find you sea legs it’s because your destination is approaching and this decaying ship had met no storm or early death… just a day trip and return to a calm and waiting harbor.

2) Write about sleep/dreams

At night my mind is tempted

I lay in bed, thoughts in my head

R E L A X -can’t relax

But I need to practice…. My dreaming

My mind schemes

-leap from your bed and splash crimson and blue across some paper!

-have you spent time in prayer lately?

-have you: responded to letters, for okay or better, read stories, proclaimed the glory,

have you practiced your praise?

So I pray to spirits then recap the day…

Rushed thoughts of mistakes

Misguided attempts at humor…

Mixed feelings of guilt superseded by doubt, but blessed and rehashed as learning…

I learn from my mistakes.

I choose, to learn from my mistakes.

R E L A X

“go to sleep now.” My mind says frimly, “you’ve processed enough and its already 4:30 AM…”

But then slowly

The minutes creep by again and again

My eyes closed but quick thoughts propose

plans for tomorrow.


3) Write about Today

There is this really warm sleep feeling that keeps coming over me, like when your alarm goes off and you hit snooze and just relax back into your blankets. It’s funny how I never want to go to sleep but never want to wake up either.

There is something about living in the present that brings about that warm feeling as well, but I always feel like I’m faking it. Like my head is too filled up with thoughts spilling that I don’t find the present all that fulfilling.

Yesterday in Yoga,

My heart seemed heavy, my breathing was not fluid rhythmic smooth. Not comfortable. It was a zebra chased by a lion. It was two tons of sumo wrestler forcing me from the ring and my muscles collapsed by the impact. It made me feel weak, but that’s the ego speaking. How does one get out of their head and into the present if their lungs are caving and limbs shaking?

Maybe that is the present.

sex senses (june 2008)

I was gonna ask why my heart heartedly pumps..

for smells that turn faces,

sweet scents of shit and sex intertwined to infiltrate me,

honey dripped, sweat and filth,

syrup heavy,

humidity in the air, dirt and sticky

smooth and silky to skin like mud,

trudge so guilt-ed grudgingly through that muck,

stretch to reach those hands that pluck, that fruit so fair, so fresh, so fuck

so fantasies are filled with slurping, slick lick tongue firm guided through flesh,

coated fully,

liquid salted lovely,

embracing humanities touch,

devils or dios excited with raunch.

Explicit remembering, erotic entrenched,

finger tips tracing,

sex fog sniff, lips reach, tongue breach

oil skin gleam, hearts, lungs, diaphragm pulse breath, scream

unable to keep up with the excitement,

muscles contract,

heaven blessed tantric enlightenment.

something angsty (june 2008)

My sugar level is dropping rapidly.
Reminds me of the sky today.
Reminds me of the casual way you spit fire,
half thrust and half shield, as if uncertain of the venom you wield,
as If expecting some reproach of it.

Times like this I see the shakiness of limbs
The droop and stretch,
Feel exhausted from catching it all
Atrophy on a massive scale, somehow allows the fat to succumb so I’m not perceived as frail
But inside this large mammal, a broken creature.

My dreams are escaping
Both in memory and in reach
And it seems sometimes that time is leeching it from me.
The parasite that once promised freedom we’d receive, now demands us to achieve,
With such little time left.

observations at a coffee shop (may 2008)

Impatient would be Buddha seeks wisdom from the sweater-ed elder who goes on with his story despite the eager pushing of his listener. The elder’s white hair tied back, glasses in hand, displays treasured writings as he continues the story at a gentle pace. Crosslegged, Impatient Buddha, thin and swamped in a button down, leans forward, bearded chin in hand and jabs small assurances in youthful vocabulary “sweet, cool, awesome” and thinks up another question to ask the elder. The cranky artist, old, disdainful face seeks new experiences to prattle onto paper, his pen strokes straight, his wrinkles ragged. He contemplates existence, but not the big picture, simply Why is there a chair there? stares intently at each person Are you my creation? Will you be my salvation? Young Buddha gives up the pose attempts to impart gained knowledge to fortify the elders history, See what I know? As he relaxes in his confidence. The artist finally walks out for a smoke after turning the cigarette in his steady hands for an hour, perhaps waiting for a sign that came, just then.

Two cell phones command their owners Play with me! They call on them. One the businessman the worker intrigued by all the knowledge he surfs despite his labor, he turns his back from the window, and from the briefcase to the plugged in laptop that offers him amazement, engagement in online communities, posts to profiles, erases, reposts, he’s in that world, adulterous to his responsibilities, but just then the pulse hits straight into his brain, reminds him of his heart’s home, calls her on the phone, braces her with the news that the storm is on its way. She’s glad to hear from him but sends him on his way with muffled phone kisses. He puts the phone down and surfs away.

((((((Well crap I wasn't prepared for demands... Um I haven't really been writing anything lately.. well not of any substance. And I have tons of crap poetry that is literally labeled "crap-_____" with the title but rather than that... this is just something I was free writing while at a coffee shop yesterday. If I had continued writing, it would have described about 5 more people.... but I was interrupted by a friend. I told her as she sat down that I had decided everyone in the room was the same person at different stages in life. So eventually the 7-10 people I wrote about would start revealing themselves to be the same person in some way. anyway. thats that)))))))))

??? (april 2008)

She reacts to his wasp stings by tightening and turning over, doesn’t say much but projects her desire that he keep his lips where they came from, leaving him agape with three options. He could overpower her, pressure or ponder her motives, and he chooses the latter, contemplating her reactions. This woman who shares a bed with him but never bares any more. And he mimics her turning, facing the other direction, projecting with just enough flare that he might cause her some despair, but she doesn’t come calling. Both silently crying, their bodies on that bed, like two heavy fortresses separated by an empty field. A heart torn at the middle so that the skin peeled back.

(((((I cant think of a title)))))

God wins over the crowd (we like cliches ) April 2008

God was at his drum set again tonight. I was driving when I first heard the soft splat, he never counts with the sticks, he never plays for the crowd, it’s a soft spat on high hats, 1, 2 then combat. Headed in quick with the 16^th time, drivers weren’t ready for it, saw them swerve from line to line. But that’s no crime, and anyway he leveled off. That’s God after-all comes in strong -then he’s gone, just so that the cynics scoff. Let em deal with it, the snare drum softly rattles, calling out the solo’s battle. Just like that it’s a soldier’s stomping, snare drum march with toms a bomping. Funny how one learns to like it, repetitive it sounds so nice, I heard he once played “wipe out” like that for 40 days and 40 nights. I’d imagine even god on a snare solo gets real old though, So though it frightens he sometimes heightens with the set and gets bold. Its that double bass Crash that thunderclap that sets the audience a screaming. I think that’s where people lose themselves and start to wonder what God is meaning. I saw her earlier, lady earth, she was dry mouthed with anticipation, she’d been yearning for that steady beat, spirit refreshed by the creative rhythm. Now she danced intoxicated over run with music he created, and her moistened lips began to spit the choruses but she didn’t know the verses,

so she just whistled -as if cheering him on.

((((((yeah sometimes i talk to myself when im driving))))

untitled (march 2008)

Pointing at a picture, glued firmly in her memory but with a view blocked by scattered gatherings on the table, she says that’s the real me, or at least the me I need to be. Shoving aside casually the trinkets and charms, she reveals a confused white girl swarmed with small brown children.

((((I don't think this is done yet... but i cant think of anything else to write)))))

Forgive My Forgetting (april 2008)

I’m forgetting your name already. Sweet face that comes to me when I dream, sings me to sleep, smiles at me so many times- so many repeated pictures cuz I was bored and you were beautiful. A warmth above the left side of my tummy, aches my heart when I wake up.

This fragile memory so forgetful. It would take nothing but a few hours, a road trip, a fill up, a voice wrecked by car karaoke - To see you on a swing set, a coffee house, a walk, a hug a chitchat till tomorrows midnight. But time is never what truly separates us, is it

(((((this was inspired by pictures of beautiful people in morris)))))

Another Game? (feb 2008)

I deleted your e mails the other day. I’d been saving them like lover’s notes, though self interest on both our parts is all that they’d contained.

Your poetry written for another, your stories of far flinging adventure, your pictures captured for your memory, well let’s let it be (yours)

I’d let you handle all the boundary work, mending the fence, stir the concrete, duct tape the edges.

It allowed me time to fall in love with your crafty craftsmanship all over again.

A new blanket sings the song of the divide as clearly as the respect and peacefulness of this time, but I’m sick of subdued passion. So maybe it will be games, seated opponents with differing strategies and subtle jabs instead of compliments, smiles for the challenge of coming together for connection and -not sharing affection.

morning calls (winter 2008)

I was somewhere between ordering breakfast and portraits
You seemed somewhere between surprise and excitement
I wasn’t available for conversation,
Hurried goodbyes felt like…
Deposed disposables

neverends (winter 2008)

Cesar Chavez took us back, without thought of promises people make, she said thank you and laughed when I shooed her away. We couldn’t help but notice others entering into mundane routine as we concluded it would not be the last of our adventuring.

a note (winter 2008)

Light up eyes can only mean one thing, and I feared meeting them for connection in this case is inappropriate. But thanks for the note that implied some level of enjoyment in our silly connections, missed worlds - acknowledged simply with “I’ll miss you.”


******Don't worry this isn't about anyone you know. But the more I think about it, it might be about all of you. ********

love taps (winter 2008)

Didn’t it surprise you the way God lifted her fingers, and with a push you were planted squarely on the seat of your pants, you should have been laughing, instead, wanting to cry.

personal space (jan 2008)

Maybe it’s your foreign comfort, or because its cold, or because we are sharing a blanket, or because you are so absorbed in the film that you don’t notice, maybe it’s my overly strong tendency for personal space, maybe you are too tired to notice, but shouldn’t you be pulling away?
Or are you trying to say you like me…

capitalism in recession (Jan 2008)

I’m raving about the economy like a capitalist bourgeoisie, reminding me I am upper class roots, entrepreneur family, liberal education, but my student sentiments are not for thee liberty

with all its gambled excitement,

but security for equality..

The King’s Monopoly hotels and housing, the losers,

a dice throw from being us all.


**********Just whats been on my mind lately... rants and rants and rants....****************

little poems (winter 07-08)

She was laying in my bed tonight. Hidden beneath my pansy covers Wrapped up for warmth I’d gladly offer. But I was showing her my treasures, hoping to reignite some interest, hoping she’d derive some pleasure from my strange creations, as I had in her explorations. And she smelled like the glow of great memories. So I rubbed her head cuz I couldn’t keep my hands away. And I offered her my bed and said I’d gladly take the couch, if I could kidnap her for another day.


**********************************

You were always the strong one even if I was the one reminding you.

I’d wrap you up gently a thousand nights, a thousand shivers relieved with whatever warmth I could offer, a thousand tears wiped away, a thousand mumbled words when I have nothing to say, a thousand jokes, a thousand tales, a thousand patient hours, ears turned to hear your concerns, a thousand glimpses half knowing it shows that each moment I fall harder and that you won’t grow more tender to my pleading confused eyes, and half hearted but loving replies.

**********************************

Wanting to be your shelter, but not your reason to continue wandering,

I am a plain house.

Still you journeyed on, leaving me scared still standing there… not sure if your next roof would have leaks, paint chipping, narrow stairs that creaked and offered no escape should fires rage… but you had told me you liked the idea of living (with)in a fixer upper –despite your history of burns and jagged nail cuts… Some where you could rage against and simultaneously grow in. Somewhere passionate, unafraid to show its love, by shedding and giving, pushing towards you, matching your ferocity.

**********************************

I would ask you to marry me,

but I look in your eyes and notice you don’t share my fantasies,

so I just sit quiet.


**********************************

After the panic shocks -me scaring you - you leaving bruises on my arm,
I was careful to not mention the reflection in the “empty” van window
in front of us that looked too much like a face.

Certain

that it wasn’t “really” a zombie.


********************************************************************************


****Yeah so these are the types of things i have been writing lately... they are mostly about conversations I had in my head (exception of the first one) -different people...
as you can see I didn't bother with poetic spacing... and mostly didnt bother with poetics... a little rhyming but i do that naturally half the time... I guess they arent meant to be wonderful... just to capture small thoughts and feelings.

Kenji (Dec 2007)

Kenji
-In Germany I served to make a better world for us all.
Killed a man and earned a car.
Lost a leg, and earned a star.
Still I’m forced to look around and wonder where we are…
-Taught by American Teachers, pool halls, radios and drinking
-Years interned in the desert, left us wondering what they were thinking.
And so we signed up, marched to war to prove that we were worthy-
Of the freedoms guaranteed to us
-but stolen undeservedly.

-My Father worked to pay the bills, struggled raising a large family.
-And when at last they let us go, he started over smiling candidly.
I lost my soul that day that man fell bleeding from the roof top.
And hope that one day we see people as people so that eventually the hate stops.
And though dying, I dreamily envision
that America could be a place where people melt together.
But until then I say do what you can-
And if they steal another inch in hopes to stop the rotting…

Smile for another day - and pedal to the metal
Keep on hopping.







******This poem is about a character from the book No-No Boy, which is about a number of Japanese people who lived through WWII and struggled with their identities, values, culture etc and the aftermath of the war, internment, etc.This is not about the main character, I wrote a poem thats even worse than this one to include him... but this is about one of the more positive characters in the book....a friend named Kenji who became a soldier and was hurt... he ends up dying in the book, but tries to help the main character choose a more healthy/hopeful life...******

Seven (oct 2007)

I can see your revolution building, but its not in the streets.
Marred by attitudinal adolescence,
but strengthened
by the justice of your mission.
My Child, My Brother, My Friend

There was time when you were bold and blatant
when each momentary need called for confidence, and I
sat watching,
worried and withdrawn, only reaching out when the cars
would have struck, or the embarrassment was too much.
But I reacted in those times with confidence because I knew you could trust me.

There was a time when each action seemed so inappropriate,
each conversation so conceited, and I passed judgment on you
and probably made it apparent.
but each time,
to be honest I was impressed
with the not so subtle ways you drew people to you.
Your laughter, and excitement contagious, and sometimes… even when I was hiding in the other room
I was laughing.

There was a time, when you were scared and lonely
You struggled with the first time, the first love, the first betrayal.
You couldn’t muster your normal excitement,
you couldn’t sit still
but you wouldn’t leave the house to find fulfillment,
and to that- I could relate,
So together we acknowledged our truths.

But now you are back to quick expansion,
and never since stopping you from car crashes have I felt more scared,
for in rapid increases you’ve proven already that you can outgrow me
and if danger nears, I’m unsure If I am prepared.
If your revolution calls will you take to the daring road,
And should you bring about that change
–will you judge me for being less bold?


(((((((((this is about a feeling I had when my little brother called me a few weeks ago, distraught, ambitious, ready for action and change... his values are wonderful, he cant stand the injustice... but I worried that he would be the bold free spirit he has always been, and run off to fight some revolution... and if so, i know i'd be worried, proud, confused... but what if he succeeded?)))))

Oct 2007

It bothers me,
just how beautiful you still are
With traces of your skeletal braces protruding from skin -and not so gently,
And when we hug,
I feel the space between us that was once you…
so that even when you are wrapped up closely, I still miss you.

And like my grandmother’s hands which always felt so breakable,
I worry, and keep my distance though I’d love to hold you,
for my sheer presence must be like a freight truck
swaying your tiny frame on the highway.
But you’re the one smiling.
Perhaps.. finding your place in the world?

Finally.
My only… hope ,
is that you return home - as robust as your ambitions.

Baby Bird (oct 2007)

It seems baby bird, that as a youngling
you were just as small,
Big head, skinny neck outstretched
Calling out for nourishment
And got only your parents
regurgitated frustration
Never quite sure what you were supposed to sustain yourself on.

The push from the nest, that age old test
-and the slow spiral of flapping unused and untrained wings
Till the spiral bottoms out
And the hospital beds pump you full of nutrients
As if this latest liquid diet could replace the one you never had
And when they’re through
Another stay
in that uncomfortable nest of pine needles
The watchful eye of parents
Who want to protect and wonder in worry, if their next push
Will strengthen your wings or
finally kill you.
Baby bird you must have some direction,
Just to maintain altitude is not enough.
The nourishment you seek may lie in other trees,
Gather your needles, and flap your wings.



((((((((((((((The spacing on this will be all screwed up... thinking about someone... hope they dont mind))))))))))))))))

You Filled With Spirit (oct 2007)

I’m falling in love with beautiful faces
Tastes, of relationships
Dimples when cheeks raise,
-Crazed, with the possibilities.

But I worry about your sanity, you who come with me
Heart a pounding, fluttering, sounding out every type of warning,
but you keep coming for me, forward in chase,
excited by chaste - talking

and walks on gentle nights
we cuddle in these flights from our dreary rain filled realities
but only in tight bounds of the spiritual presence
that’s where the essence of my friendship lies.


I hope it don’t come as a surprise
That you have rejuvenated I,
Re-invited the cause of hope in to my life.

And when united with beauty like that:
I sit and snap a pic, smile for awhile
Ego filled heart -I may act like a dick -
But I Care, cuz I mean it.


*************Well I was listening to Jazz/rap when I wrote this, so its got some strangeness to it. The title is because its the people that fill me with spirit, when they act like themselves and force me to realize how beautiful they are. lately I have been having a lot of this and its wonderful.. I dont really know if im worried about hurting anyone in particular... but i feel like everytime im on top of the world, im probably gonna hurt someone... and this poem is about being filled with joy, and worrying about the concequences.. Also... i have been wanting to write more I and me based poems all summer and fall... and more real, less contrived reaching for words types stuff.. so this one used pretty common languages.... *****************

Patience Master (fall 2007)

R A B B I what has happened to you?
they've turned you into some monstrous god,
set you upon your knees
in tears
as they draw and quarter
your message of peace.
-and when you cried out
that you'd been forsaken,
perhaps some ugly vision of the future
had graced your strained presence.
And still you asked for our forgiveness,
claiming
that we knew not what we did.
And I fear you sinned there
on the cross, as tears fell
from your warm eyes, and you told childish lies
to our father, hoping to protect us all
from our due punishment. But teacher,
how do we learn to walk the righteous path,
if you won’t let us stumble and fall as we crawl so slowly towards you?
Have faith lord, moths always stumble
towards false light in darkness,
but one day we'll learn the difference.

Jihad (sept 2007)

I’m the one who sent horror upon your spacious skies,
And left your amber weighs of gold buried beneath the rubble.
Stained your purple mountains red with blood so you could empathize
with the masses we see scared walking the streets of Kabul,
of Baghdad, of Jerusalem, Beirut and all our Holy Land.

You say I hate freedom, I hate freely watching you berate my children,
Freedom lost to teach the words of sacred God, but you keep screaming
Hollywood depicts my children engaged with Satan and still you question
Why I give my soul and life to protect our rights against your blaspheming.

Oh beautiful feet, of pilgrims who seek, their God,
need not your foul stench of oppression,
For you haven’t noticed the wild sands you tread upon
in your trance of oil obsession
-have been sanctified
with the blood of a thousand martyrs
and we’ll give glory to sacred God,
if he wills it too, for all our sons and daughters.

You say I hate freedom, I hate freely watching you objectify my wife and children
Freedom lost to testify to the sacred traditions that have been our redemption.
You call us backwards but we protected women’s rights long before you “gave them”
You say we’re brutal for punishing the same as you, simply because our laws don’t allow exemptions.

I’m the hero proved in living, zakat for all who need it
Liberating those in strife -with God’s mercy and beneficence
loving more than self, my faith, my God, and thankful for his blessings
So when I walk in the sacred lands of Saud, I wish to only perceive his magnificence

Not your hummers, tank and bombers,
Your Wall Street thieves and traders,
So when we defend our ways and rights
Remember that you’re the invaders.



******
There may be a video to come from the open mic performance.... what is this about?
Well Im one of those crazy kids who doesnt believe in war... so one of the strategies to try to understand why it happens is to actually listen to the reasons people give for fighting... now don't get me wrong, I know jihad isnt all violence... but for the people we are at war with, it is one aspect... and i think listening to their reasons and trying to understand them, helps us remember that they are human like we are, they have as logical of reasons for killing as we do. Not that i think any of them are logical... but they are actually pretty similar... they want to kill us, so we kill them first, they want to destroy our way of life so we destroy theirs first. etc etc..
so this piece isnt meant to scare or be treasonous or anything, but just simply to bring awareness that even the worst of the worst believe they are fighting for something worthy and if we are willing to sacrifice our children for our values why shouldn't they?
*****
video to come??? maybe??

(Untitled- so far) august 2007

Always a sort of Trembling, a nervousness
Held in secret, held back to protect her.

Her.

Perhaps she trembles too
Sometimes with joy
Flash
Smiles
No hinting
Sheer excitement
1 second
but in each 5th a new face
a new desire
a new secret
a new dream
new hope
tremendously fulfilling


Eyes Bright all the time, with surprise
like greeting a beautiful stranger
shocked with delight
cuz only she speaks that
Sacred, Secret language that connects them

and she speaks it with the clarity in her eyes.

a Picture a Snapshot
a Photo a Click
but not quick enough for hyper swinging

round, round and back again
like waking up in
free fall
fantastic skydive
but one second it’s a choice
the next, a push off the
precipice
And She looks back with that

Scared nervous questioning Horror

Sacred Eyes crying out “Who pushed me?”
And you’re afraid to tell her it was…

Always a sort of Trembling, a nervousness
Held in secret, held back to protect her.

…Her.


((((((((um blogger will probably screw up the spacing... i was sitting in dunn brothers trying to describe a feeling I get sometimes when Im looking at people.))))))

False Teachings (august 2007)

I overhear a would be teacher speak in subtly off tones of soothing,
talk like hes trying to smooth over bumps in his own and maybe her personalities. ignore the flaws. be genuine by rejecting the insecurities, oh god I wish it were new to me.
but I done played the role too many times not to be disgusted -hes holding on in that casual "Im at your level because I choose to lower myself to you" and shes so taken aback by the attention -of someone, anyone who would do so with out mention..
-what a player.
What a fool, you wish to be a mentor, a friend? stop your pretenses,
genuinely you believe yourself to be her savior... and she
she needs to seek a teacher within her.
You and I, we bullshit trying to preach with our false wisdom,
but really... we dont deserve them
and each time we prove it.


******thoughts in a coffee shop... i spose a little explanation is in order... um i often find myself in a role, and rather than be the person i should be, i sometimes play the role... I saw this guy being very smooth and friendly on what seemed like a first date, and thought, wow that guy does the same thing, I dont want to be like him when i am connecting with people... and thats that************

The San Franciscan (Dunn Brothers 2050) (august 2007)

The San Franciscan was an old Brute, Happy,
but far past his time,
so they kept him around midstore -as a sort of monument.

The Customers couldn't enter without seeing him but sadly,
they usually avoided his gaze,
eyes past or to the side,
and so his happy smile and red coat was usually
wasted.

A sign hung above his head,
that read:
"Roasted Fresh Daily! ...Right here."
loud and clear,
-but maybe not as loud as those Walmart signs above the other old time greeters working the Superstores
on the other side of town.

The San Franciscan -ready to roast
boasting only the best
he use to put the others to rest -to shame
but now he sits lame in a coffee shop uptown
as young baristlings scramble
to handle
the new and improved machines
and the free flowing customers
yuppies and hustlers
salesmen and artists
and the saddest part is...

he use to make a damn good cup of joe.


*******Um fairly self explanatory, if you have been to that Dunn brothers***************

Blue and Pink (August 2007)

Oh Goddess
Flustered,
in blue and pink.
Anxious reaching
for top shelf books
contends to send you heaving
or delicately weaving
your, procured finger tips
to touch the book cover
folds
each longing for your hold.
Dark tree legs sandpapered smooth
and that pink bow in your
held tight hair…
Were we to meet
I’d say “Its rare to see a beauty like you in a used book store.”
Your tattoo the same
Blue and pink
Speaks in Hebrew
But Babel set us apart
And I wonder where
Your heart lies
Somewhere in that low cut dress
Magnificent breasts
And if you are aware, than you are unashamed
Stretched and bare.

And though I cant see,
Im sure what you wear under there is the same color
as that bow.

***********The spacing on this is all screwed up because of blogger.... uh a chance encounter, leads a mind on spinning.*************************

update.

Seeking Hole-ness Holiness and Wholeness (july 2007)

Rub my Buddha belly right out of existence, for like Buddha who entered eternity by denying all earthly ambition, I wish I could deny my Buddha belly its ambition to grow.
Rub it away, like gold statues, rub it till the shine is worn away and only the tranquil look and sparkling smile remains. Pay attention to the movement in the hands, the cross legged seat, the colors in the cloth, the gleam of his forehead, peaceful eyes that have moved beyond worrying about small insecurities, but not yet for me… I’m staring down, not sitting tall. Chin to chest, for my belly at rest seems to protrude like the ultimate test
-those devils who tempted Buddha at the Bohdi, berate me blatantly, keeping me from patiently, entering nirvana.



***********just one commentary on eating disorders and religion... I spose i could write another one on fasting and what not*****************

Dissent

When the first bombs dropped in Kabul
I was called a traitor,
My silent display of values strived for,
drawn each day on my face.

When the first bombs hit Baghdad
I was on the march,
Frozen cold in Minneapolis,
But we shivered till they heard us.

When the first bombs hit our soldiers
I asked to call it off,
but the death toll continued
for each casualty should not be in vain

When I questioned why the bombs were ready
They told me we’d been hit
When I asked for proof of guilt
They pointed to U.S. receipts.

When I questioned why the bombs were ready
They told me it’d be over soon enough,
But each time they said “our way was righteous”
It reminded me of the day

When the first bombs hit our buildings
and no one asked their motives
because the courage to answer questions
disturbs the freedom to ignore.

She sits solid in her box of isolation
-preferring to assume that responsibility plays the only role.
But sturdy in my resolution and goal
I do not give in to intimidation.
Big picture thinker I am,
she prefers to not give a damn.
So I highlight the theories, the critics,
she scoffs at my cynics.
I, like a junkie activist who can’t get enough,
She stops me,
says she’s heard enough of my stuff
she insists on the individual,
so I break in to the personal.
She slings it off, saying
I don’t know her so well.


(((((a fight with my step mom)))))

Fever dreams

This man is Green, quite green, and bright as lime
but lemon colored face repudiates-
the sweating Hero stands, in shimmer gold
Without a sword, a monster he beholds.
He fears, they armed the mannequin,
that man akin to lying in wait.
Courageous he stands, no attempts to flee
A sword in hand, a showdown to be.
The two men stand, one sweating, one calm-
but as plastic stabs he wakes, and fever breaks.



(((((((from a dream)))))

Expectations of Spring

The girl on the left speaks of lying with the sun streaming around her face, wrapping her so tightly with its warmth that the light traces of wind that tickle her cheeks stimulate smiles on her skin- stimulate smiles within, till she falls asleep.

She wakes to be comforted by the closeness of friends, who have protected her from: small creatures, Frisbees, kites, tackles from the flag carrying capturers but never the sun, to which the one on the right exclaims “I know, I always wake up with the white around my eyes painted solidly pale, contrasted with the blister, a gift (she supposes) of glasses.” The blame positioned on mechanical devices, on creams that do not suffice, on green grass which entices a rest and a guitar playing its best, but never the sun.
Blame withheld, for that which has been withheld by seasonal turns, rotten weather, exhaust-pollution and momentary solutions to energy confusions.
Eagerness and never blame for that which has been longed for, because
expectations of spring = green grass and burned skin.


(((((((pretty much everything in this poem is from a conversation I was listening to about spring)))))

20 Days Past Equinox

I see their eager tails twitter.
Those birds, who hobble.
Foot to foot- shuffles.
But the spring sun is deceiving.
Its reflection two-fold,
off the ice, and the sky.
Snow barricades away the seed and bud.
And all that anticipation,
Soon leads to starvation,
but not for you and I. No,
never for you and I.

ars poetica

Sometimes when the beat is in me,
My hand starts dancing
A mind of its own
And it’s conducting
Each increase and decline,
Reaching across, line after line
My toes are tapping,
They keep the meter
And my thoughts all scatter
But the dark of eyes closed
Is replaced,
by a spectrum of beautiful images.

Sometimes I connect with the music
Aware of the next movement.
Other times, lost and confused
I miss the obvious cues
and feel like an idiot when,
I don’t understand the timing.
And as my toes miss the step
And a ninth beat adds to my stumble
Open eyes jolt to seek
the position of my fumble.

((((((((have u seen me listen to music? its like that, only ars poetica means a poem using some other metaphor to describe writing poetry))))))))