Smoke signals danger signals hiding

 I remember when I was in Guatemala City being choked by the smog, the particulates in the air from the volcano... and feeling drained, unmotivated, brainfoggy. Last night I kind of felt that way as the smoke from the wildfires moved in. Felt like I was stuck on distraction, couldn't think clearly or be creative. 

This morning, I woke up to a similar funk. I slept just fine, but had already decided to work from home today... and its been a very slow drag of a morning. I woke up with sinus pressure and a headache. I woke up without an ounce of go-getter. I woke up thinking of the dream I'd had, in which I was realizing it was my last full day at work. My calendar for tomorrow was empty -except to clear out my office. And though I was sad, I also felt ready to move on. Excited even to start whatever was my next chapter. 

As the morning has developed... I've had three cups of coffee and an excedrin but my head still doesn't feel right. Starting to feel more energy maybe... but also kind of dire. I am thinking of my failures, of my freezes, of my not knowing how to move forward. I am thinking of the open mic tonight and how I am not sure I even want to go, because the air quality says "hazardous (AQI of 405)."  I sometimes feel weighed down by over 60.  I am thinking about Saturday which is my nephews birthday and how I don't want to deal with the relationship tensions with my parents. I am thinking about going to the energy healer tomorrow, and how the drive over there might deplete me more than the positives of being attended to. 

I am the type of mammal that hides deeper in the ground to conserve energy in the winter. That hides from the fire in a cave. That hoards and hibernates. And also the kind that wants to make changes in the world... and today I am definitely in the tails camp and not the heads...

Its pretty fascinating how this biological lack leads to difficult thoughts of worthiness, of existential crisis, of dread but also just letting go...  like whats the point?

But at the same time, I could answer that question with "Why not care or engage then..."   

conservation of energy...

My head hurts.  I am not sure if my first client will show up. I basically have like 5 appointments in a row, but the middle one I get to eat lunch, and I can kind of imagine others cancelling -because they may feel like they are in the same spot as me today. 

Its harsh. 

An hour or so later: 

After working for 30 minutes... life seems easier again. I wonder why I am holding myself back from opportunities.  Why avoid, why hide... 

Its so odd.