Sunday alone

I woke up fairly early. Missed E. Something about a weekend spent alone, going through my routines alone, preparing for the week alone. By 10 when church came on YouTube, I was ready to leave. Went to get groceries. The air quality is unhealthy again. It smelled like chemicals in the garage. It spelled like campfire at cub. Buying groceries for myself and it’s still over 100$.

I got home cut up a watermelon, a cucumber, a green pepper, a chicken.  Ate lunch and decided to go see a movie. Surrounded by people but feeling very alone. 

I liked the movie. Nolan’s version of the odyssey. It was entertaining throughout, but the thing I loved the most was the tie in to moral injury/ptsd - told through the god’s punishments, and the impending doom… whether it was of this world or otherworldly, it spoke of consequences for your actions external or internal. 

I cried. 

I left. I ate watermelon and did laundry. It’s about 6pm. 

I’ll make dinner. Maybe read. I’ll wake up to another week of this. Maybe seem hamlet on Wednesday. Maybe go to an open mic. Maybe see family. 

This morning, I wondered why I am doing any of this… what allegiance do I owe to this place and these routines, that sustain me but feel so lonely. Why not travel the world? Why not be more adventurous. And of course when I do those things I am also alone… but maybe seeing more than the same old places, the same people, the same tasks and thoughts… 

I dunno. I always leave in search of something new, to run from something old. I am very odyssean I guess. Maybe that’s why the movie felt real. Trying to be moral, but failing, trying to be a leader and take responsibility for others choices, trying to defy the gods, trying to find a home that you want to deserve, but aren’t sure you do. So you stay away with your lotus petals… wait for some rescue.