Wrestling

 

Each time there is a family get together with my Dad's side of the family I am suddenly thrust into another round of wrestling internally. 

Its my nephews birthday tomorrow. 

What do I want to do?

Part of me wants to attend, to invest in family, to let the littles know I am around, to keep the peace. 

Part of me wants to avoid it entirely. 

Part of me wants to reach out to my step sis and say what gift can I buy, I can either stop by for 15 minutes or just send it. 

If I lived in a different city, or was on vacation, it wouldn't be a big deal. If I had something else going on, I could make excuses... but I live in St. Paul, and I have no life. 

Earlier this week, I was preparing myself to go. I thought: this will be the time that I show up, I am courteous, and then I leave. Do my part, while also acknowledging I am still unhappy.

Then on Monday another man was shot and killed by ICE, and I thought... fuck these people and anyone who doesn't condemn them fully. 

Throughout the week I have been varying between these positions. Do I stay or do I go kna mean...

I was hoping the "energy healer experience I was supposed to have today would settle it for me..." Help me to feel confident enough, grounded enough in my own experience and story to attend without fanfare. I was practicing it in my head this morning. This desire to say "I've been wronged, but I want to move past that." The appointment was supposed to be after work... I needed my car.

I went out to my car this morning and had the flattest tired I have ever had. Considered canceling on clients to attend to it, but every cancelation is the money I'd spend on tires... so -I walked quickly to work in the 80 degree heat of July... and made it a minute late for my first appointment. And cancelled my energy healing intake because there is no way to make it to the border of wisconsin without 4 tires. 

During the day of clients, I found myself considering and reconsidering tomorrow. I am nearly always doing this. But on one hand, I found myself wondering why I was avoiding? What would be so bad? a little discomfort, a little anxiety, no big deal. On the other hand, wondering how do I maintain boundaries for myself if I let other people violate them without even attempting repair. What does it say that they aren't reaching out?

With one client, I considered all the ways we hold ourselves back... talk ourselves into self harm, even feel righteous about it. With the next, how many missed opportunities, miscommunication without attempting to reconnect. With the next, the difficulty of being let down by parents who don't have the capacity to change. The push pull of wanting to be there for them, but wishing they had been able to be there for you...

Which story do I go with?

I found myself wondering if I need to start imagining my dad differently. Maybe imagining him more like my little brother, or E. As people who I adore, but who don't have the ability to work through certain challenges... almost like a disability. Maybe I need to see him that way. He could work through it, but not with his current level of resources and overwhelm. The very idea of thinking or feeling or acting differently is just too far outside of his scope or ability right now. Maybe he can intellectually get it, but he can't fully empathize or he would burn himself out. And so out of fear... out of self protection... he must choose this. 

I found myself thinking earlier in the week, what if my Dad is right? What if its just one thing and he can't be pushed and pulled and give up his center, to please others. Maybe he has a longer term understanding of history... maybe he believes in an arc in which injustice happens, but it gets corrected you just have to wait -almost zen or tao. 

I found myself wondering if I accept their version of reality, will it destroy my foundation? And do I need to take a stand for my version, my story. Maybe are competing narratives just can't coexist, and be definition mine will eventually take over, but in the meantime that Boomer generation can't give up their hold. Maybe he needs to be around with this particular story - so as to take care of his grandkids, or stay active... But I equally need to hold on to my narrative. In the end, I am right, he is wrong, and he will suffer the consequences of being wrong... diminished opportunities, kids that aren't as close as he'd hoped, reduced finances, isolation, indignity. He'll be subjected to the things I am fighting against... as natural consequences...

I came home after work... ran around trying to get AAA to do my car. AAA which he gifts me. I feel indebted to the gifts. Obligated by transaction. Doesn't feel good. 

I questioned my relationship with these folks... my step sister, in what way does she add to my life?  In what way is she invested in me?   My step mom?   My dad even?  

I don't know. I have a way I want to be in the world, and a way in which I can avoid... but I don't know how to hold strong while also engaging. It feels inauthentic, even more so than playing a role. SO I am still wrestling. 

Maybe my blown tire will give me an excuse. 

Maybe the lack of energy healing forces me to choose for myself rather than having someone else to point to. 

Maybe I am waiting for them to reach out in a way that isn't just guilting, but rather in a way of saying... I miss you and I've been thinking about what you said... and I am capable of change.