Saturday

 

My step sister called me out this morning. Mostly for not showing up. But also for not figuring things out… I corrected the story a bit, but agreed that I wasn’t doing a good job of showing up. I asked her to help with the brainstorming. How can I engage without it feeling like it hurts me, or causes additional burden for them.

I’d been wondering… am I just being self-righteous. Is it just a different version of the self righteousness that my rents have?  Not any different? But the more I’ve been thinking about it, no. I am not fighting for my comfort, or my ideals… I am fighting against things that are actually causing harm. And maybe they personally aren’t the ones causing the harm, but their attitude of neutrality, of “Hey I didn’t hold the gun against the back of their head” (I just didn’t say anything, and funded it… and maybe voted for it too). Their attitude of “its their own fault.” Their attitude of “both sides are in the wrong…” when again, were talking about a gross imbalance of power… We are talking about families being ripped apart, people in concentration camps, torture, violence, killing, intentional terror campaigns. Intentional retribution. You don’t need to be on the front lines to condemn the cruelty. Its easy enough to just not say “well… you shouldn’t cause disruption when you fight back against cruelty…” As in, its ok to fight back as long as your mouth is taped shut, your hands are tied behind your back, and you’re on your knees already. Sure… sure… neutral on a moving train. When they are actively harming my community, you can’t say you’re neutral. That’s as good as saying “I support you to your face, but I’ll never have your back.” Cool… well we know where we stand then.

When you watch a force attempt to dismantle the society you’ve helped build (undermining my country, my state, my city, my business, my community, my students and clients…), and the family you love -literally friends and family who are being hurt by this… and the future potential and opportunities of your own grandchildren… and none of that causes you to want to stand up.  All respect, all trust gone. When you double down, say you’re the victim despite the active harm being perpetrated on others… na… that’s just gross.

My sister called it a temper tantrum, pointed out there was no end game in this boundary setting. I said I tried to explain… they didn’t want to change. I am not gonna make myself miserable for people who don’t want to care. I am not gonna cry all week, while they pretend nothing has changed. Boundaries for myself… because I am not willing to be hurt when it doesn’t benefit me to stay in relationship. For now, I will have to love them from afar. I’ve been clear with my Dad. Maybe I need to be clear with the rest of the family… but I have also been trying to protect them from this. Tried to keep it between me and the rents… but maybe it isn’t. Automatically. I mean, I am mad that they would support people who are destroying the environment and the country. What world are you preparing for your grandkids? But even if you cant… why condemn those who are fighting back?